The posters at the bus stop show a woman pulling her briefs aside to check her backside. The woman is calm because she has moisturized the area in question with Nivea, as the text tells us, and therefore all is firm. I wonder when I last checked my backside. Maybe eight years ago, but probably never.

At home I take off my coat and trousers and pull my briefs aside. I crane my neck, but I can hardly see anything. It doesn’t work like this. I place myself in front of the mirror, trying to check my backside. Possibly it is firm. I don’t know. I only know that I’m not supple enough to detect anything. I have to choose a different position, but which would be the best? I can only think of extraordinary sexual positions. One of them seems to be suitable. I take the large mirror from the wall and drag it to the bedroom. There I lay on my back on the bed, swinging my feet behind my head. I know that this is more of a female position, but I’m not doing this for fun, but for the sake of firmness.

My left hand pulls my briefs aside. From my right hand, the mirror falls between my legs. Ouch! That could easily have gone wrong. I think I’ll drop the pulling-the-briefs part. After all, I’m alone. I take all my clothes off and lay down again in the feet-behind-the-head-position. (My God, from this perspective it seems absolutely ridiculous. Wonder why some of the most reasonable women I know do something like this voluntarily?)

I hold the mirror with both hands. Well, looks quite hairy, that good old backside of mine. Wouldn’t have guessed so. And firm? I don’t really know. I’m afraid it’s rather stretched in this position. It doesn’t really make sense. I get up, hang the mirror on the wall, and check the firmness by touching the backside with my fingers: Hmm, quite OK. What about flexing the backside muscles? Oh, they are already flexed. Anyway, I’m sure I don’t have a hanging backside. Outsiders won’t notice anyway. But a little Nivea cream won’t do it any harm.

At Wal-Mart I buy four cardboard boxes, each containing 20 Nivea tins. Going to apply two of them each day. One in the morning, one in the evening. In three months I’m going to present myself with fantastic backside firmness.

I lay down on my belly, little by little applying the contents of the first tin. It’s not particularly pleasant but it’s all about my body. After six hours the stuff has soaked in, and I realize that my skin is getting harder. Oh, it works! Maybe even faster than I assumed. After three days my skin is so firm that I can hardly sit or walk.