The posters at the bus stop show a woman pulling her briefs aside to check her backside. The woman is calm because she has moisturized the area in question with Nivea, as the text tells us, and therefore all is firm. I wonder when I last checked my backside. Maybe eight years ago, but probably never.

At home I take off my coat and trousers and pull my briefs aside. I crane my neck, but I can hardly see anything. It doesnít work like this. I place myself in front of the mirror, trying to check my backside. Possibly it is firm. I donít know. I only know that Iím not supple enough to detect anything. I have to choose a different position, but which would be the best? I can only think of extraordinary sexual positions. One of them seems to be suitable. I take the large mirror from the wall and drag it to the bedroom. There I lay on my back on the bed, swinging my feet behind my head. I know that this is more of a female position, but Iím not doing this for fun, but for the sake of firmness.

My left hand pulls my briefs aside. From my right hand, the mirror falls between my legs. Ouch! That could easily have gone wrong. I think Iíll drop the pulling-the-briefs part. After all, Iím alone. I take all my clothes off and lay down again in the feet-behind-the-head-position. (My God, from this perspective it seems absolutely ridiculous. Wonder why some of the most reasonable women I know do something like this voluntarily?)

I hold the mirror with both hands. Well, looks quite hairy, that good old backside of mine. Wouldnít have guessed so. And firm? I donít really know. Iím afraid itís rather stretched in this position. It doesnít really make sense. I get up, hang the mirror on the wall, and check the firmness by touching the backside with my fingers: Hmm, quite OK. What about flexing the backside muscles? Oh, they are already flexed. Anyway, Iím sure I donít have a hanging backside. Outsiders wonít notice anyway. But a little Nivea cream wonít do it any harm.

At Wal-Mart I buy four cardboard boxes, each containing 20 Nivea tins. Going to apply two of them each day. One in the morning, one in the evening. In three months Iím going to present myself with fantastic backside firmness.

I lay down on my belly, little by little applying the contents of the first tin. Itís not particularly pleasant but itís all about my body. After six hours the stuff has soaked in, and I realize that my skin is getting harder. Oh, it works! Maybe even faster than I assumed. After three days my skin is so firm that I can hardly sit or walk.

On the morning of the fourth day something has changed. The firmness is gone. I check myself with the good old feet-behind-my-head method. Oh my! For all its firmness my skin has burst, the flesh is gaping out. I donít believe that this was the idea! At least I get my money back at Wal-Mart.